Day 73 -- Little Hercules

Released: 2009
     
Starring: Hulk Hogan, Paul Wight, Nick Hogan, Judd Nelson, Elliot Gould, Richard Sandrak
  
Writer/Director: Robert Boris/Mohamed Khashoggi

Description: Little Hercules travels from Mt. Olympus to live life as a mortal in Los Angeles

[Review may contain spoilers. Please watch movie before reading, unless you don't care. Most of these films have already been released for a while, so they should be readily available.]

***

Honestly, I don't know what to say. I'm left speechless by how utterly awful this movie is, and how it is feature length. This may be the shortest review I write because there really not much to criticize because all of it sucks. Oh, did I mention it was made in 3D. Ugh.

"Little Hercules" is about an unhappy half-mortal, half-immortal living on Mount Olympus, who really wants to live on Earth. After a so bad it's funny battle between Zeus (Hogan) and Marduk (Wight), Hercules (Sandrak) sneaks down on to Earth. This when he runs into the most stereotypical black character ever written, and the most boring high school ever where XX (Yes, that's his name), who is "played" by Nick Hogan, is the bully.

After Zeus and Marduk make some kind of "Name That Tune" bet on how long Hercules can stay on Earth, Herc begins to live like a mortal after his powers are stripped. Then, there's this thing with his sword, winning a track meet, and getting his powers back by following his heart. I really didn't pay too close attention because I was too busy banging my head on my coffee table, in the hopes that I would pass out and not have to watch it anymore.

To call any of the performances "acting" would be an insult to the art. I don't believe you could cast a movie with worst actors if you tried to do it on purpose. Sadly, that includes Eliot Gould and Judd Nelson (poor Bender). When you cast a movie and hire the entire Hogan family -- Brooke and Linda were in this abomination too -- you would have been better off using all the money involved in production as toilet paper. I hope this was one giant Punk'd on some jerk movie producer.

"Little Hercules" wouldn't even be good as a movie made by middle-schoolers. The plot's a mess, the actors are beyond awful, and the production itself was an insult to movie making. If I was involved in this movie, I would've cashed the check and then completely forgot it ever existed.  Like a bad 3 a.m. hook-up.

Rating: 0.5/10 -- *Bangs head on table*

Day 72 -- Knucklehead

Released: October 27th, 2010
     
Starring: Paul Wight, Mark Feuerstein, Melora Hardin, Dennis Farina, Will Patton
 
Writer/Director: Bear Aderhold, Tom Sullivan and Adam Rifkin/Michael W. Watkins

Description: Drowning in gambling debts to his bookie, Memphis (Dennis Farina), former mixed martial arts champ Eddie (Mark Feuerstein) starts training gentle giant Walter (The Big Show) for a high-stakes fighting competition with a $100,000 grand prize that would solve all of their problems.

[Review may contain spoilers. Please watch movie before reading, unless you don't care. Most of these films have already been released for a while, so they should be readily available.]

***

When a movie is full of character actors and no real stars, the film is going to be missing something. It's has nothing to do with the talent of the actors in the movie, but rather the lack of talent in the main role. A supporting actor is like a foundation, they are useless without a something for them to support; no matter how strong they are no one will notice them.

"Knucklehead" looks like a good comedy if you just read the call sheet. Between Dennis Farina, Melora Hardin and Will Patton there's enough comedic talent to produce a decent film. As I said, the failing of this movie is the casting of Paul Wight, aka WWE superstar the Big Show, and his inability to deliver a line without it looking forced. Just like in "They Live", I was surprised by this lack of line reading from a professional wrestler.

The plot of the movie was as generic as it gets, and is reminiscent of "Kingpin". Mostly in the sense that a down and out former "athlete" finds a person with a hidden talent that will help him reclaim his glory, but along the way finds out that it's more than fame and money; instead of the Amish, it's an 35-year-old guy in a Catholic children's home. In "Knucklehead",  Eddie (Feuerstein) finds himself in mounting gambling debt and needs a new fighter to win money for him.

Enter an overgrown child named Walter (Wight).

The role was perfectly suited for him from everything I'd seen him in before, especially his appearances on SNL. But somewhere there was a disconnect between Wight and Walter. It's a perfect example of how nuanced good acting is, and how playing a character like yourself in a movie is the hardest thing to do unless you Matthew McConaughey in "Dazed and Confused". Usually when an actor attempts this, he/she gets into their own head and loses any performance instincts they possess. Unfortunately because of this, he drags the entire movie down.

The plot looks more like a bunch of ideas loosely tied together. I imagine that the writers (Yes, there's three writer on this script) sat in a room and were like, 'well, what if he does this? Oh, that's good. Then, he can do that. Yeah, this is gold', and completely forgot to make a compelling story. It's like a collection of sketches, not a full movie script. It was probably fun to make, but it's torture to watch.

"Knucklehead" had a lot of advantages going for it, and failed to use any of them effectively. But I expect nothing less from a WWE produced film. This was mainly a showcase for Paul Wight, and he failed to breakout like Dwayne Johnson (The Rock) did in "Scorpion King" and "Be Cool". Fans of pro wrestling will probably enjoy it, but there no other section of the population that will find it worth their time.

Rating: 3/10 -- Generic storyline with no real drama or compelling conflict. Everything is very superficial. Had to watch "Get Shorty" to remember that Denis Farina made a good movie.